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Hi, Marc? It's the 2020 Playoffs. We Need to Talk...

Waldo1947 | OSJ Staff | Montreal Canadiens Contributor


The following is a transcript of a phone call between the 2020 Playoffs and Marc Bergevin. It’s a little awkward.


2020 Playoffs: Hey Marc. We need to talk.

Marc Bergevin: Hey, Baby. I figured that. You're a little distant these days. You seem out of reach. Is it a bad connection?

2020 Playoffs: Look. Marc. You're a lot of fun and I love your suits and the way your biceps are poured into them, but I don’t think it is going to work out this year...again.

Marc Bergevin: Oh. C’mon, girlfriend. I still have 33 games to prove to you that we're capable of solidifying our relationship.

2020 Playoffs: Yeah, about that. Listen, I did the math for you and it doesn’t look promising. Based on the current win projections, it will take 99 points to qualify for a spot. You need to go 25-8 (0.758%) the rest of the way!!! You are a 0.500% team right now, going nowhere fast. Furthermore, you're 6th in the division and 7th in the wildcard. How the hell are you going to climb over all of those teams? You do realize that all of those teams play each other many times and a lot of those games dish out 3 points?

Marc Bergevin: Well, my team works really hard and we get lots of shots on net.

2020 Playoffs: Stop before you embarrass yourself further. You work really hard? So do snowblowers. You get lots of shots on net? My goodness! Goals win games, not shots. And can you talk to the broadcasters calling your games? They had the nerve to call the win vs Ottawa this week a huge victory. You needed OT to beat them after getting outshot 42-25! Then they were all over you guys after a “huge win” over Calgary. The Flames forgot to get off the plane, you pumped 37 shots on net but could only score 2 goals. Then you took all that momentum into the Blackhawks game only to lay an egg and get pumped on home ice..again.

Marc Bergevin: We get nervous at home. All those fans expect big things from us.

2020 Playoffs: Are you watching the same games as me? There are more and more empty seats every game. 21,273 used to be a given every night. Your fans are starting to realize that this team has no chance to date me in the spring.

Marc Bergevin: C’mon baby, I can change. 

2020 Playoffs: Not that again! Seven years ago you told me that I would have a chance to get a ring on my finger in 5 years. Seven years later, I don't even have a Conference Championship engagement ring, let alone a Stanley Cup wedding band. You keep saying you'll change and yet you keep making the same mistakes. You promote kids too early and refuse to acknowledge that a strong farm system helps you in the future. This marks 4 times in the last 5 years that we will not be dating in April. I cannot wait around forever.

Marc Bergevin: We had some good times. Remember that run to the Conference Final against the Rangers?

2020 Playoffs: Do you remember losing those games because of a lack of scoring? When are you ever going to get some friends who draft scoring centers? You have a strong pro-scouting staff, I will give you that. I like Armia, Weber, Kovalchuk, Tatar, Domi, Chiarot, Petry, and Drouin. Your control issues are killing us! Get a better scouting and development team. Let someone else run it.

Marc Bergevin: We have had a lot of injuries this year.

2020 Playoffs: Really? The injury excuse. Do you really think that will get me back? You mean to tell me that you are the only team that deals with injuries? How do you think excuses like that play in the hockey world? Speaking of injuries - what is going on with Brendan Gallagher? Why is the organization so tight-lipped? And who gave him the go-ahead for him to play after missing only 4 games? And do you honestly think that if everyone was healthy you would be challenging for the division right now? Is this a 100 point team?

Marc Bergevin: OK, I get it. It isn’t happening this year. But can you at least admit that maybe your standards are too high? I mean 98-100 points just to date you? It only takes 94 to qualify in the West. 

2020 Playoffs: Hahahaha. You really want to travel West and date her? Her standards are lower because the teams are all big and mean. Come playoff time, your delicate flowers will wilt once the West gets her claws into you.

Marc Bergevin: You made your point. At the very least, can I get the George Costanza “It's not you, it’s me” routine?

2020 Playoffs: Sorry Marc, it’s you. It’s definitely you. 

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